I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
