Sacagawea was the original milf.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
