The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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