You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
