I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
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I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
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I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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