I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
