My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
