tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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