Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
