I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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