I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Randomize
