Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
