I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
When did we convert life to cartoon?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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