If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
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apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
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i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize