I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
