just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
