you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
