i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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