I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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