It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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