i just wanna soil my oats bro
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
