Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
