a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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