Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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