i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
COCAINE IS GR8
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
