His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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