Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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