I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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