This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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