When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
