I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
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