I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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