His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
