Define "chronic" masturbator.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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