I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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