Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Randomize
