ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize