Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
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