Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
