I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You are the jesus of drinking
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
