actually, I'm a sock model
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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