Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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