dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you