Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
