On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Are we still banned from the library?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
