If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
