mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
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I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
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Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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