My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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