One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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