i may or may not be watching the land before time
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
