No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
