my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
