You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
