We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
