Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
