I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
