I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I cut my penus on the lid.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
