I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I am spending my child support on dildos
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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